Church Ladies with Typewriters…

The Church Lady: One of my favourite SNL sketches.

The Church Lady: One of my favourite SNL sketches.

A good friend, who like me, has endless amusing memories of her Catholic upbringing, sent me this email. It brought tears to my eyes. This one’s for you mom!

Church Ladies With Typewriters . . .

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon
tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Keep reading, they just get better…

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care
much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered..

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

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